Author: Lorena Krnjaković, Gimnazija “Matija Mesić”, Sl. Brod
It’s nighttime. I can’t sleep and, to be honest, I know why but I think that I just can’t say that out loud. I’m afraid. There are so many problems in my life and I’m trying to hide my sadness but I’m just not good at that. My family’s only comfort words are: ”Don’t worry” or ”Those problems aren’t even that real” and sometimes I just can’t believe they’re like that. If only they knew what I’m going through. Right now I’m looking through my window. Everything seems so peaceful and quiet. That’s why I love nights. You know, maybe the saddest thing about me liking night is that then I sleep, and when I sleep, I don’t feel anything. I sound so depressed right now and I’m not like that usually. I guess it’s normal to feel like this when all of your friends turn their backs to you and your family thinks that you’re faking your emotions. I hate that I’m trapped with these thoughts. I need some fresh air. I feel like I’m suffocating. That’s probably because I have a huge lump in my throat. I’m leaving my apartment and going out. There’s no one here. Thank God. So, I guess I should figure out what really bothers me, but my goal right now is to keep my mind off of those thoughts. Wow, why do I feel like I hate myself? Yes, there they are. The tears. I’m such a crybaby. I need to calm down. City really looks more beautiful at night, with all those lights and silence. I’m walking in that silence and I don’t know where I’m going. Not just now, but also in my life. What happened to me? I was so cheerful, so happy, outgoing, friendly… now… I’m just… well… lost. Yes, that’s what I am. Lost. So, the real question here is, and the only question I need to know the answer to is: Who am I? What changed me? Where did it all go wrong? I’m done with everything. But, I won’t give up. My reputation is awful, my friends are gone, my work makes me sick. Good thing I can change all that, right? This was weird. I should go back now. And here I am – walking up the stairs, walking in my apartment. I still can’t sleep. It’s not that bad. I feel much better now, actually. I’ll just stay up and try to figure some things out. I’m really curious – what do you think – who am I? A girl? A boy? What do I do for a living? I guess it doesn’t matter anyway, right? I’m just trying to be my old self. I’m sick and tired of hearing people say that I’ve changed. That’s because the truth hurts. I need to accept that. I believe in myself. I know I’m going to find the old me, sooner or later.
